I suffered from depression, anxiety, and alienation my entire life. I was criticized, bullied, alienated, and made the scapegoat by not only my family but also those at school. My first suicide attempt was at eleven years old. I didn’t truly want to die. I wanted the pain that haunted me every day to stop. I wanted an escape.
I soothed myself with alcohol, shopping, sex, video games, and more. But nothing made the pain go away. All they did was to just numb the pain for a while. I struggled through college, taking nine years to complete it, and battled constant overwhelming feelings and many medical issues.
When I was forty-five, I received a diagnosis of autism, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as a result of my son’s matching diagnosis. I was relieved to find out my challenges were not character flaws as I had grown to believe but rather a neurological difference.
I had become a believer eight years prior, and my depression and anxiety lessened, but I knew there had to be more. I came to believe God has a reason and purpose, and it was my job to go to the Lord to find out what they were. Autistic or not, I am still the righteousness of God in Christ, and God doesn’t make cast-offs. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and He purposed this to bring glory to His precious, holy name.
The life expectancy of a person with severe autism is just under forty years old, and the majority of us with high-functioning autism cannot hold down a job. These reasons can contribute to us having a higher tendency to be suicidal and less successful than neurotypical people. My diagnosis might sound like a death sentence to some, but it made sense of my struggles and helped me to feel less of a “loser.”
However, since watching Pastor Prince’s sermons and changing my thinking to align with God’s, I have not had a suicidal thought in over three years. Jesus has guided me to many of the answers to my physical health issues, and my health has drastically improved through partaking of the holy Communion.
As I seek first Christ’s care and control, my life keeps improving. I serve as a worship leader and am due to retire in five years. I also plan to return to school to pursue a doctorate so that I may help adults with autism. It is my hope that with the Lord’s guidance, I can help other people with autism find hope and healing through Christ!
Elizabeth F. | Texas, United States
